Joshua's Resting Place

Kelly & I never imagined we would ever experience losing one of our own children. Taking Joshua to his "resting place" was a day of celebration rather than mourning. We celebrated knowing Joshua was already with the Lord. He suffered absolutely no pain & only knew love from Kelly & myself. We both believe the Lord guarded our hearts that day and blessed us with "a peace that surpasses all understanding."

Philippians 4:6-7

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,

will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Joshua's temporary stone

Joshua Meets our Saviour - 12/5/2011

From the moment Kelly & I knew about Joshua's condition - Triploidy - we prayed the Lord would fill our hearts & minds with peace. It is not easy losing a loved one; it's a very tough process, but one that you either handle alone or let the Lord guide you through. I remember telling Kelly a few years ago that I could never handle losing a child. The Lord chose us to be Joshua's parents for 33 weeks during pregnancy, but decided then it was time to take him Home. I will never forget the impact he had on my life & continues to have each day.

After 32 weeks 4 days, I told Kelly on Friday, December 12th that I had a strange feeling come over me that Joshua was gone; that he was with the Lord. We had an already scheduled OB appt for my 33-week check-up the following morning so I decided not to listen to his heartbeat & wait until I was seen the next day. I walked into the office on Saturday morning feeling strange.... I was alone because Kelly was at home with Kaitlynn who was extremely sick. My sweet midwife, Christy, came in & after a few moments with the heart monitor, we couldn't find his heartbeat. Typically we would find it immediately, but I already knew he was gone. We headed into a different room where we checked on the ultrasound, which confirmed what I already knew..... Joshua was gone. His heart had stopped. I had to call Kelly & tell him over the phone that our son was already with the Lord - it was not the phone call I wanted to make.

We headed to the hospital the next morning (Sunday, December 4th) in hopes to have a VBAC. After 36-40 hours of induced labor, we headed into the OR for a c-section. Looking back & thinking about our time in the hospital, I was so glad to have had that c-section. Having surgery gave us a chance to see our son in perfect condition. His fragile body most likely would not have made it through a regular delivery. The time we had with Joshua's earthly body was very peaceful - exactly what we had prayed for. Joshua never knew pain & he met the Lord after 33 weeks of unending love from Kelly & myself.

It's absolutely amazing that a precious baby would impact so many people including our family, friends, & people we have never even met. It's neat to think about how a helpless, innocent newborn can have a lasting affect on so many people. It's a wonderful reminder, especially during the Christmas season, that the Lord came to this Earth as a helpless, innocent baby, with the sole purpose to love & minister to people.... eventually be crucified on the cross to save us from our sin. Because of Him, Kelly & I will be with our son again one day. Because of that truth & that the Lord is our Saviour, we are able to move forward with our lives here; joyfully anticipating the day the Lord calls us Home.

We love you Joshua! You will forever be our precious son, our Angel.

We will remember you always & look forward to the day we're together again!

Joshua Keith Crawford

Monday, December 5, 2011 @ 7:43pm

1 lb. 8 oz.

12.5 inches long

*30 Weeks - Bittersweet*

*30 Weeks* is a bittersweet marking for us with baby Joshua. At our 24 week ultrasound & appointment, we discussed inducing at 30 weeks. If things had gone to plan before Kelly & I felt strongly that the Lord was telling us to hold on, we would have been in the hospital this week meeting our son. I am so thankful, more than thankful actually, that the Lord gave us such strong convictions about not being induced at 30 weeks. I am so happy to have had 30 weeks with our son and to have how ever many weeks more that the Lord keeps baby Joshua in my womb.

We celebrated our son this past weekend with a baby shower - the guests donated toys to Toys-For-Tots in honor of baby Joshua, and gave donations to String of Pearls which is one of the organizations that has provided us with so many things to make memories of baby Joshua once he's born. We also had maternity pictures taken with one of my old co-workers, Katie Knowles & her sister Christy. She just launched her new business - ThistleField Photography! It was the best afternoon spent with my family making wonderful memories with sweet baby Joshua. We will put some pictures on the blog once we receive the CD from Christy in a week or two!!

*Angi*Dana*Allison*Kristen*Maureen*Elizabeth*Julie*

(not pictured: Jana)

This picture was taken October 28, 2011 - 28 weeks pregnant with baby Joshua!

We looked back, and I was just as small with Kaitlynn as I am with Joshua!

After the wonderful weekend we had, "bittersweet" is definitely the perfect word to mark this week. I spent time battling with the Lord again about baby Joshua's situation.... telling Him that it isn't fair that we're having to loose our son when we want him so badly. It's definitely ironic because all I could think about after hours of tears in my sweet husband's arms, is the pain the Lord must have felt watching His Son die on the cross for everyone's sin...... Everyone that has come before us, that is on this Earth now, and those that will come after we're gone. As hard as this is for our family, it comforts my heart knowing that the Lord truly knows every heartache that I feel, every pain that hits my bones, every tear that forms, and every joyful moment I encounter.

We have our next doctor's appointment this coming Friday morning. I am so thankful we do not have to wait two weeks to hear our son's heartbeat! It's very special listening to him at home everyday.... definitely a sound I'll never forget.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

-Psalm 34:18

"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

You perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I ride on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

-Psalm 139: 1-12

Kaitlynn Singing @ 2-years Old

I think Kelly & I could listen to Kaitlynn's sweet voice as a 2-year old forever!! Here are a couple videos of Kaitlynn singing a few of her favorite songs!

28 Weeks with baby Joshua

We finally hit our big milestone this past Tuesday! We officially moved into the 3rd Trimester with baby Joshua. I just get chills down my spine thinking about how we felt at 21 weeks when we were told about baby Joshua's situation, and how we feel now at 28 weeks! We are just completely thankful & very joyful in knowing that we've made it so far with our sweet son. We've been able to feel a lot of kicks & movement, listen to his heartbeat anytime we wanted to feel close to him, and daydream of what it'll be like finally meeting & holding our baby boy.

We had another check-up yesterday!

I always enjoy going to our OB because the midwife we are using is a christian believer, and really encourages Kelly & I in this journey with baby Joshua. Everything checked out great! We measured 26 weeks, which means more growth! We're still only 2 weeks behind on measurements. His heartbeat also sounded extremely strong. We're all still shocked with how well baby Joshua is doing and growing! The Lord definitely deserves all the praise with each check-up in this pregnancy.

Kelly & I spent some time this week getting baby Joshua's heartbeat recorded on video. I am so thankful we finally spent time doing that. It's a sweet sound I never want to forget, and will never have to forget. I'll get the recording on the blog for our next update!

Here are two links to UTube. These are three different songs that have spoken tremendously to both Kelly & I during this journey. I hope these songs bless you as much as they have blessed both of us!

The first song - I Will Carry You by Selah

(Angie Smith wrote this song while she was pregnant with her daughter, Audrey. Beautiful....)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o

The second song - Held by Natalie Grant

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOufqWodFNo

The third song - Faithful God by Gateway Worship

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pjNy4IDCII

Halloween 2011

This year, Kelly & I had so much fun with Kaitlynn for Hallween!! We spent time carving our pumpkin for the first time, and took Kaitlynn trick-or-treating! She absolutely soaked up every minute of going up to every door for candy. It was too precious.

-*- Pumpkin Carving 2011 *-*

*-* Our Butterfly Princess *-*

*-* Trick-or-Treating *-*

Celebrating baby Joshua

Tuesday, October 25th was a very special evening for me. Several of the ladies in our Sunday school class had a coffee & dessert get-together in honor of me & baby Joshua. It was a wonderful time of fellowship, spending time praising the Lord for the life he's already given baby Joshua, and sweet moments in prayer. Kelly & I are very thankful to be a part of Relevant Faith at JFBC and have felt cradled, loved, supported, and prayed over during our this special journey with our son, baby Joshua. Each new life should be celebrated regardless of the amount of days he/she is with us on Earth. I am so thankful that our days are only specifically numbered here on Earth, and not in Heaven with our Lord.

"For where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them."

-Matthew 18:20-

*Kim*Elizabeth*Heather*Anne*Lisa*Kristen*Devin*Christy*Jenifer*

*26 Weeks*

After each doctor's appointment, I feel very blessed that our pregnancy has come this far. I am so excited that we're almost entering the 3rd trimester! When we received the news that baby Joshua had Triploidy, the thought of making it to the 3rd trimester never entered my mind. Now we're only two weeks away from that milestone with him!

The past month has been a roller coaster as Kelly & I have spent time preparing ourselves for Joshua's birth, burial, and everyday coping strategies with everything we're facing. We were told at the beginning of all of this (around 21 weeks) that we could decide when we wanted to be induced. Kelly & I had decided that 30 weeks was a good, strong time frame.

The past few days, a lot changed. Baby Joshua continued having a strong heartbeat, and started kicking me hard enough to feel him from outside my tummy! Complete blessing for me & Kelly. I also started questioning being induced at 30 weeks. I started feeling very torn between a lot of decisions. My heart was not 100% okay with picking a specific date for baby Joshua to be born, and possibly pass away at the same time. I told Kelly on our way to our doctor appt. this afternoon that I needed the Lord to show me - black or white - which route we needed to go.... either inducing at 30 weeks, or letting nature take its course. Our midwife did just that for us. After checking baby Joshua's heartbeat, his growth, etc. we spent time talking through how we were feeling at this point. She told us point blank that the other doctors & herself discussed our situation and feel that the best route for us would be to continue the pregnancy until things happened naturally. Thank you Lord for giving me the direct answer I needed!!

The appointment went great - baby Joshua had a strong heartbeat around 140 bpm again. We are 26 weeks pregnant and measuring 24 weeks, which means growth! I have no idea what baby Joshua is up to, but I'm so thankful that he is happy, healthy, & growing in the womb.

Kelly & I both believe that there will be a blessing at the end of all this heartache. We're not completely sure what the blessing will be yet, but I cannot wait to find out.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,

before you were born I set you apart;

I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

-Jeremiah 1:5-

Our family of *almost* 4

Kaitlynn has a blue bunny blanket that we're saving for baby Joshua!

I'm wearing a blue pin in honor of him.

Berry Patch Farms

Kelly & I took Kaitlynn to Berry Patch Farms this past weekend. We had a wonderful time together as a family. The weather was cool & crisp. It was a gorgeous Saturday morning, and there was nothing else I would have rather been doing!!

*24 Weeks with Baby Joshua*

Kelly, Kaitlynn & I headed to our 24-week appointment & ultrasound this afternoon. All day long I felt joy about today's appointment. I woke up excited and in huge anticipation to see our precious son again. I think part of me was hoping for a big miracle & that things would have drastically changed. The other part of me accepted what was happening and just wanted to enjoy feeling like I was closer to my son than I was yesterday.

It took forever to be seen..... but it was definitely worth the wait. Baby Joshua seemed very happy in my womb! There were no signs of pre-labor at the moment. I was very thankful for the news because to be completely honest, I am not ready for our pregnancy to be over! I am enjoying the time we have with him now since this is the only time we're given!

Kaitlynn was a trooper during the entire visit. We were there 1.5 hours! That was definitely a long time to keep a toddler entertained. Thank goodness for Kelly's Blackberry & UTube! Here is a quick snapshot of me & my sweet girl waiting to be seen by our midwife.

After being seen by our midwife, we all headed into the ultrasound room to finally spend some time watching our baby boy!! He didn't move around much, but we were able to see his little body and hear his sweet heartbeat. It was absolutely surreal. Once again, all I could think about was the fact that our baby boy's heart was beating 138 bpm, and that he seemed very happy. How could things seem fine right now, but knowing what the end of our pregnancy will bring?!

During our visit today, the Lord gave me peace. I was able to enjoy our appt. & ultrasound, and did not worry about the things to come. My heart was guarded and all I felt was love and happiness for my baby boy.

As we left the doctor, I was being reminded that this place we call home, is really not our Home. Our true Home is in Heaven with the Lord. I am so thankful I am doing what I am called to do as a mother - I am keeping baby Joshua safe in my womb until the Lord takes him to our Home. I have so much happiness in knowing that one day I will be reunited with Joshua, and will be able to give him another huge hug. Thank you Jesus for the choice of forever with you & our precious loved ones.

Here are two of our favorite pictures from the ultrasound today.

Meet our son, Joshua Keith Crawford.

This is Joshua's profile picture - his hand is up by his face!

Kaitlynn did that a lot during her ultrasounds as well. Love it!

Not too sure what the top picture was supposed to be, but the main point of this was to have a visual picture of Joshua's strong heartbeat. It was 138 bpm today!

Psalm 23:4 (NLT)

Even when I walk through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.

Psalm 30:5 (NLT)

For his anger lasts only a moment,

but his favor lasts a lifetime!

Weeping may last through the night,

but joy comes with the morning.

Hebrews 4:15-16 (NLT)

This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses,

for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin.

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.

There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

The Beginning Journey of our Precious Son, Joshua

Thursday, May 12, 2011 was a very exciting day for our family. It was the day I was able to tell Kelly we were expecting our 2nd baby! Little did we know what all was in store for our precious baby.

The weeks flew by and I barely had time to really pay attention to the pregnancy due to a very energetic 2-year old daughter. June.... July.... and August flew by and our 19-week ultrasound came around quickly. The month prior to our appt., Kelly & I battled back and forth between finding out the sex of the baby. I kept telling him how much I felt as though we were pregnant with a little boy and was able to convince him that we needed to find out for sure!

When Tuesday, August 30, 2011 arrived, Kelly & I were anxious to go to our appt. for the ultrasound. We took a few pictures in anticipation of seeing our sweet new baby!

Little did we know that the rest of our life would be forever changed from that 19-week ultrasound..

I remember lying down on the table ready to see our baby. The first shot we saw was his/her head. The only words we heard were "I need to get Dr. Chappell, there are some problems." I remember looking at Kelly and having tears run down my face with fear. Dr. Chappell came in & told us that it seemed as though our baby showed signs of Hydrocephalus. Oh how I wish to this day that was what we were really dealing with, but it wasn't. We went ahead and did the blood work to know if there was anything else we would be going through.

The following Tuesday, September 6, 2011 we received the phone call that my blood-work came back positive for Trisomy 18. For women my age, it's typically "1 out of 3500," but for me I showed up as "1 out of 10." The fear rose greatly. Trisomy babies do not survive long after birth - a week... maybe a month.... some survive a few months. I was crushed and devastated at the news I received that day. For the next week, I prayed & pleaded with the Lord to heal our son. I questioned how He could let this happen. The Lord is sovereign and He did not do this to our child. These devastating incidents happen because sin came into the world. Our bodies are not perfect, and things like this do happen, but praise be to God that we have eternity to look forward to where we will be perfected & our imperfections will be nonexistent.

The following week, we went to the Atlanta Perinatal Specialists for another ultrasound, and chose to do the Amnio so we would know 100% what we were being faced with. It felt like eternity waiting on our results. We received the early test results on Thursday, Sept. 8, 2011 which explained that our baby boy, Joshua, did not have Trisomy 18 - he had Triploidy. This means that instead of having 46 chromosomes - 23 from mommy, and 23 from daddy - baby Joshua had 69. They explained that this was not compatible for life. Most triploidy babies end as miscarriages. The few that make it into the 2nd & 3rd trimester end in stillbirths. Only about "1 out of 10,000" are actually born alive before passing shortly thereafter. Thankfully we found out that this is an extremely rare situation and is nothing that is hereditary. We will definitely be able to have more children, if that is what the Lord has planned for us!

We spent the following morning, Friday Sept. 9, 2011 talking with the Genetic Counselor at Northside Hospital. She explained that we had two options - to terminate the pregnancy or to continue the pregnancy until the baby passes. First of all, those should never be options during a pregnancy...... Parents should never have to go through the pain of losing a child. However, once again, because sin entered the world, it is one circumstance that is very common. Kelly & I chose to continue the pregnancy. Our pregnancy was the only time we were going to have with our baby boy. It is definitely hard to wake up each day with the reminder that things are not "normal" for us this time around. However, I am reminded of the Lord's grace everything I feel baby Joshua kick in the womb, or listen to his heartbeat. Kelly has been able to feel him kick once, which was a huge answer to prayer.

Where are we now? As of today, we're almost 24-weeks pregnant, and baby Joshua seems to be quite happy in my womb. I'm sure he's pretty cozy! We have good day & bad days, and I'm sure they'll both continue. We are trying to prepare ourselves for the day that the Lord takes our baby boy home with Him. At the same time, we're also trying to enjoy each moment that he is here with us during this pregnancy. We have no idea how many days we have left, but words cannot describe how thankful we are to already have had 24 weeks with him already!

We are so thankful for everyone who has been praying for us and continues to pray for us. My daily prayer is for the Lord to heal our son. However, that may not happen until the Lord calls him home, but baby Joshua will be healed & perfected. I am so thankful that we have eternity to look forward to so that we will see our baby boy again!

For those of you always asking what you can do for our family during this time. Your prayers are the best thing for us! We feel the Lord's peace daily about our decisions during this process, and the events that have yet taken place. Continue to pray that we are surrounded by the Lord's love and peace during this time. Pray that we feel joy as we meet our baby boy in the coming weeks & say "see you later" on that same day. Because of our gracious Father in Heaven, it's always going to be "see you later," because there are never any goodbyes as brothers & sisters in Christ.

We will continue to update periodically on our progress and how things are going! Thank you again for all of your prayers and kind thoughts.

A few thoughts that has kept me going.......

During every good & bad circumstance, do you put your trust in the Lord? Do you trust Him to fulfill His will and what is best for our lives?

In the midst of brokeness, cling to the Lord & trust His goodness. Even when things seem extremely dark and the end is not in sight, remember that He is the one that sees the entire picture & He is the one that can bring you through any circumstance!

Blessings by Laura Story
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.".

Matthew 11:28

Kaitlynn is *2*

It's hard to believe that two years ago Kaitlynn came into this world. We had absolutely no idea what kind of personality she'd bring into our family, but it's definitely a great one!

*She is very bright, creative & independent.

*She loves to talk

*She is very strong-willed & stubborn :-)

*She is definitely a leader, not a follower.

*She loves to snuggle, give hugs & kisses.

*She plays school everyday - knows, recognizes, & can say in order - numbers 0-20,

and letters A-Z.

*She loves to feed & burp her baby dolls

*She can say 3-4 word phrases - our favorite "Love you Mommy, or Love you too Daddy"

*She can follow directions when she so chooses

*She loves to dig through the fridge to find yogurt after her nap!

*She still loves to read books

*She loves to play "get you" where we chase her around the house.

*She loves the pool & playing with her water table

*She loves to play outside & go for walks in our neighborhood

*She loves bubbles & chalk

*Her favorite TV shows include Dora, Mickey, Clifford & Curious George.

*Kaitlynn loves to walk around the house pretending to talk to every character from TV shows that she can possible think of.

*Kaitlynn still doesn't know or understand just yet, but she's definitely going to be a great

big sister come January 2012!!

We had her 2-year checkup this past week.

Weight: 23 lbs. (10%)

Length: 33 in. (50%)

We spent Kaitlynn's birthday doing a lot of her favorite things..... trip to the GA Aquarium on Saturday morning, lunch @ Taco Mac - she loves getting oreos, "rest time," and then spent the late afternoon/early evening at a pool party!

Kaitlynn 2nd Birthday

We had a lot of our family & friends at Kaitlynn's birthday party this past weekend. It was a blast spending time with everyone!

This year, I made Kaitlynn a Monkey Cake!